“To my mom, who I never knew had any aspirations other than being the best mother ever. Her success made me feel we were her whole world. I did not know what she would do when we left. But her new success has shown me each moment is full of more possibility. Hear, Hear.” Tears streamed down my face as I heard the clinking of glasses. That was my son. My meditation had given me a glimpse of him standing in front of our friends and family who had gathered to celebrate my doctoral designation. It was September 2019.
I often wonder how to LIVE in the moment when I have schedules to keep, classes to create, classes to show up for, and dreams in my heart. How do you balance everything when you should only be focused in the moment?
Being in the moment, I do understand the idea. I have learned to be fully present, feeling the experience of the moment and I have learned how to move towards what does feel good and away from what does not. HOWEVER, even as I sit here writing this, I have something that does not necessarily feel good that needs to be done. Actually, truth be told, I have a list that needs to be done that does not necessarily feel good. So moving toward getting to check each item off the list is not happening fast. Often, I wait until I have to deal with it. The kids don’t get it that I am waiting until if feels better to move in the direction of, let’s say, getting the laundry done. The dogs or cats don’t like to wait either and neither does any other person, situation, or event on the planet. Life won’t always wait for me to be at peace with it, ready to move in the direction when it feels good.
I have a list that does feel good that I am not doing either. So if I am not doing what does not feel good and I am not doing all the things that do feel good ~ am I somehow stuck in the middle? If I am stuck, how do I move forward from here? It’s a question I have asked myself more than once. Today, I think I found an answer.
This is how it went. I came home November 4, 2014, happy about my French test. The class had got to go outside and follow the directions our professor had given us and work as teams. The weather was perfect. As I followed the directions around campus, I realized I might be able to find my way around Paris one day soon. I was happy, appreciative of my very young classmates who all see me as their mom.
I had only ended up in college again because my oldest son had left for school and I thought it might be time to face the fear of not having my degree. I acted on instinct and took a class because it was available and could be useful. That class was public speaking. It was fun. So that class led to the possibility of considering getting a degree. It did not become my mission, just a possibility. French became the second class and French II will be the next class. Being in French class has led me to spending more time with a French-speaking friend with whom I never spent enough time in the past.
Big dreams are great, but with them comes the stress of choosing what that dream is. Where should you focus your energy? How do you know if you want to work with kids, teens, or adults? How can you make money when you have to have a job? These are all thing I hear from my clients. They often ask me what the signs are showing them? Should they quit their jobs and make a leap? Should they leave their relationships that are unfulfilling?
It’s so easy to see other people’s lives clearly. It’s easy to help them answer their own questions. But I am just like they are. I wonder if I should be writing my second book now or working on my classes. I wonder if I should get a part-time job or keep focusing on my work. I wonder every day. That is, until a day like today shows up and reaches back to me from a possible future and reminds me that choosing to move into what feels good will always bring me to a future that serves my purpose, LivingInLove of my life.
Maybe tomorrow I will make those doctor appointments. Maybe tonight I will clean up the coffee I spilled on my rush out the door this morning. Right now, all of this is okay, just as perfect or imperfect as it is. Right now, I am fully present with you, as you read this in the future of when I write this. Right now, I am asking if you can be fully present with laundry waiting for you, or your husband in the next room wondering what you are reading. Right now can you move toward what feels good, taking a class without a definite reason? Can you apply for a part-time job that feels like it would be fun without caring if you hear from them or not? Can you move in a direction of possibility without a commitment that it is the right thing to do? Right now, can you be so fully in the present that you are the best you can be in every moment without feeling your list needs to be done for you to feel good?
During a few minutes I took to visualize after class today, what I heard was the future version of a toast from my son. Yes, my son (or future version of him) reached out to me to remind me that I am doing what feels right – right now. I am loving my kids more than the whole world. I am moving in the direction of my future, but not because I had some big dream or made some huge decision. No, it did not go like that at all. Instead I realized I was not just being in the moment but LIVING in the moment.
Living in the moment is so much fun if you let it be. What I love most about the idea of living in the moment rather than being in the moment is the life of it. The possibility, the vitality of the messiness it implies, rather than the perfection and tidiness of being. Live life juicy, get sticky, get happy, and move forward into the infinite possibilities awaiting to be explored, experienced, and enjoyed.
Sending you so much love. Kimberly